Preliminary Thoughts

April 17, 2006

“Are you nervous?” is what I’m asked most often when telling people that I am going to Rwanda to work as a nurse. This much I know. I know that I don’t know what I’m about to get myself into. I know that the job needed to be done will be beyond my skill and capacity. I know I will probably feel that I need more skills: Education wise, capacity wise, resources wise, money wise, human people wise, inner strength wise, humor wise, love wise, wisdom wise. What I don’t know is if I will be happy doing this kind of project, although I think this is the kind of work that I am meant to be doing. I do not know how big or little the resources available to me will be. I do not know whether I will like any of the people where I’m going, or if they will like me. Of course I hope both. I also don’t know how much I will be able to keep in touch with Claudine, and I don’t know how much time I will have to really make sure her situation is all taken care of, although I feel responsibility for her, as well as to MGH and PIH. Sometimes we take on responsibilities larger than ourselves and although I realized this at the time, that taking her back to Rwanda would be a useful purpose to my travels besides just traveling on my own, I didn’t start to think about the long term until just recently. That she is going to need to be helped out at least for the rest of her highschool, perhaps some help at the beginning of college, without parents or much family, and if there is one person here or there who is related to her, in a country that is post civil war and largely unemployed, destitute, with huge sections still starving, if she is to be educated properly, educated at least somewhat to how I was educated, there is going to have to be a long term plan involved. A ten year plan. For her and her siblings. That will bring her to about 25 years old and her littlest sibling to end of high school years. This is a long time. Will I be able to finagle resources other than my own to help educate her and her siblings for the next 10 years? Yes, I can get a few handfuls of people to donate large chunks one time, but what about consistently? Several years in a row? 10 years. There is one woman in particular who has said she would help this whole time, but I guess you don’t know who will follow through, until that person follows through. And if I do manage getting her and all her siblings into an excellent boarding school, can I get Claudine to realize that this isn’t just a hand-out. That she has responsibilities too. That being given so much means that you have to give at least that much in return. Or else you end up being one of those people who takes away more from this world than they provide. You are a user rather than a contributor. It’s like coming to someone’s house and visiting for 2 weeks: do you leave it messier than when you came, neutral or do you leave it cleaner than when you arrived? I’d like to think that in the some total of the end of my life, whenever that day comes, that if tallied up, whoever does that, God, or Allah, or karmic laws, that I will have given more than I have received. That I will have cleaned up more than I have destroyed. Whatever avenue that may be: as a nurse, doctor, engineer, mother, computer analyst, singer, dancer, artist. I don’t know how many young people get this message or are moved by it. I hope some. For without that message, this world will just become a more selfish and miserable place. The house we were given, this world, will be left messier than cleaner.

But for now, I’m thinking about this: my to do list sent to me by PIH, Kwashiokor and how to run a malnutrition program, I am thinking about planting gardens and contacting my Dad to talk about growing beans and potatoes and corn, like he does. I’m thinking about hearty animals, and if I know enough people in Oklahoma to help supply livestock and better yet, who can come over and help teach people how to raise this livestock, take care of it, with people who only have the bare minimum of tools, food maybe water to take care of these animals. At least for the next few years. I’m thinking about dying children, and how many will I see who die from dehydration and electrolyte imbalance and malnutrition? Simple issues that don’t need to be happening. I’m thinking about people’s judgement, about how people wonder why certain countries “can’t get their act together” and how they’re “hopeless” and how they’re “just going to fall to hell” with unsolvable problems. And once you really start thinking about things, I then have to think about the effects of colonization and war, and genocide, and old people dying, and hundreds of years of structural inequality because everything has been in such chaos and no one seems to have much land of their own. What do you do when these skills have been buried multiple times by colonization, power take-overs, civil war, destruction, sickness and death. You rebuild.

That is the only answer to me. You rebuild. It’s a Sisyphean task. And you can be on the side of the profit margin capitalist and say to hell with it, survival of the fittest, they aren’t meant to survive, it’s a tough world out there, why work on a helpless cause…or you can actually work with some of these people, like I did with Claudine, just one night, take care of her at the hospital and all I could think, “All these people who just want to write Africa off as a hopeless place…” these are the same people that say “Africa” and don’t separate the successful from the unsuccessful places on this continent, the working projects and countries that can be proud of their achievements like Senegal, Cameroon or Kenya, verses those countries that are still in the midst of much fighting, like Sudan or Niger or the Congo. It’s like tying in Texas with Massachusetts. We are the same country, but some would say we are like different continents. Others of course would find similarities. But in the end, back to “Are you nervous?” I would have to say “Yes and no.” “Yes” because I am aware that there is rampant malaria, typhoid and meningitis and that I need to take precautions and be mindful of this. I am, at this point, prior to any exposure to Rwanda, worried about being bitten by mosquitos and getting malaria. Mosquitoes love me. Especially my ankles and wrists. At least in the U.S. they do. And Europe. And Nepal. And Thailand. So I imagine that mosquitoes will like me in Rwanda too. I am worried about this a bit. And I am worried about other illnesses and infectious diseases I may get. Not the ones I recognize and will bring medicine for, but the ones I don’t. I do worry about safety to a degree. Not so much while I am with PIH at our headquarters or working in the hospital, but when I’m not. When I’m out in an unfamiliar village at night. Even if I’m in a room by myself at night, with the door locked. That kind of scenario is worrisome for me. I am aware that there is debate about why the HIV/AIDS rate is so high, and now among children too since HIV+ moms pass it on to their children. I of course worry about my own safety. Being amidst death and poverty, that worries me…will I be able to be as loving and caring as I try to be at my job at MGH, will I be too afraid to relate to people’s hearts because people are so destitute and from such a different background than my own, will it be a lot less than expected, will I start rationalizing deaths away, well 5 more lost this week, nothing we could do about it.

We will see. But these are all some of the preliminary thoughts going through my head. But of all these fears, I have always believed it is important to plow ahead, fears in breast pocket, continue on your mission. The mission is to do something I see as worthy…and as making a difference in life. I know that this is different for everyone. Some people feed the homeless; some people advocate for legislation that will support the environment, some people are staff nurses. Some people sing and hope to move people emotionally so that the audience can feel more sincerely and powerfully than they do in the often numbing job of a cubicle worker; some people dedicate their life to their family and raising their children to the best of their ability. All worthy and the most noble of causes. But for me, this is my way. As I told my nurse manager, Judy Newell when she discussed with me the Durant Fellowship and how we each have our own purpose in life I could not have agreed more. Life is a varied path with innumerable choices to be more giving or to play it safe. May these next 8 months be more fruitful for the lives of people around me than I can ever imagine, may I alleviate the suffering of others, however few, may I piss off the least amount of people possible while being able to get the most amount of work done, no matter how small I feel the difference I am making is…and may those I work with, also want to in return continue to work for the benefit of others, no matter what obstacles get in their way. And may we all do this with great love and compassion, and always wisdom with even at times, humor and joy.